Cryo freeze me

Posted by on Nov 16, 2013 in Radleys Poetry | 0 comments

Cryo-Freeze Me

By Radley Horwitz



Cryo Freeze Me

Til the year 3000


Everyone reading this

Will be dust

And my voicemail

Will be bust


Thaw me out in the age of reason

And surely in time for Liberal Season


Pack for my journey

A sport bottle for thirst

And a Swiss Army knife

In case my appendix should burst


Laser guns

You’ll surely have

So I’ll pack my NRA card

just to have



You may think I am whacked

Or completely on weed

But you must understand

Some new company I need!

Charlie Sheen Passion Fruit

Posted by on Nov 16, 2013 in Radleys Poetry | 0 comments

I wrote this back when Mr. Sheen was on the news quite a bit.  I even joined Twitter under the moniker “Tragic Chicken” just to see his last words go by. To my pleasant surprise, he’s still kicking as of… November 16, 2013…

“win.”  For him.  Heh.




“Charlie Sheen Passion Fruit”

By Radley Horwitz

March 8, 2011

Fly forth like Sheen

If you know what I mean

Machete moonwalk

Mulholland mamba

My Eightball Hero

Scores one for the Masses

CBS’s score: zero

Fuck their executive asses!

“Free at last”

You do attest

With a machete

Across your breast

Take to the hills

Take to the blogs

You wage holy battle

With those filthy dogs

A bit more mental

Than Blago himself

My favorite Platoon Star

My over-sized Elf!

To a teenage girl,

You are my glitter

I now even follow you

On that annoying ‘Twitter’!

Party into the night

They will not smite you

With their lawyers and words

They try vainly to fight you

His witticisms—endless!

His rants are sublime!

He moves me

to write this now

For I fear…

he hasn’t much time.


Ode to Satan

Posted by on Nov 16, 2013 in Radleys Poetry | 0 comments

This one just has random bits sticking out of it.  I could never really get inspired enough to finish it since I just kept coming up with more and more stupid stuff that rhymed…

“Ode to Satan”

By Radley Horwitz


I’ve written a poem

That could cost me my home.


They say he’s a dick, an intolerable prick.

Now, I’m not saying he’s good,

And I’m not saying he’s bad.

And I’m certainly not inviting him

To tea with my Dad.


Things weren’t going my way

Ricky Martin had just said he was gay.


When I heard a voice from below,

It said, ‘I can help you, you know!’


It was the man himself,

That big red, hairy elf!


He’s said not to be good,

But I say he’s just misunderstood.


Just because he sports a goatee

Don’t make him a bad honky to me.


He may have cloven hoofs and no humility

But I don’t consider that a disability.


He loves silly games—

Like engulfing puppies in flames!


His friends are the pits.

He’d give Hitler the shits.


They say he’s an ass-a-hola,

‘cuz he golfs with the Ayatolah.


In the Garden of Eden,

He gave Eve what she was needin’


His habits are crass,

He shoots fireballs from his ass.


Even the Pope calls him bitter

(he just said so on Twitter)


He’s been portrayed by DeNiro and Pacino,

If ya know what I mean-O


So, if you’re down on your luck,

He could slip you a buck!


To send him a note,

You just slay him a goat.


We blame him for all our ills,

(Forcing him to take endless pills)



In Heaven you get wings,

But who needs those silly things?


I say give Satan a shot!

Then again, maybe not…

Ladybug Nightmare

Posted by on Nov 16, 2013 in Radleys Poetry | 0 comments

This one speaks for itself.



Ladybug Nightmare

By Radley Horwitz


They cast those spells

With their M&M shells…


Ladybug Pestilence

Buzzing thru the sky

Grab that Raid,

Do or die!

Cute n’ harmless with

Their M&M shell

Grab you by the feelers

And drag you to hell

Screams of terror

Your world gone black

10 Million Ladybugs on

your back

Buzzing and teeming

Their intentions revealed

These bloody scars

Will never be healed

Over my shoulder,

A yellow spot on the floor…

I see it move,

I dash for the door

But its too late

I suffer a similar

 Ladybug Fate

My vision fades,

My hearing goes mute

And as I expire, I think,

“how cute”.

One of a kind

Posted by on Nov 16, 2013 in Radleys Poetry | 0 comments

From Radley’s Deeper Thoughts:


I wrote a poem about you called “One of a Kind.”

Then I wrote another one called “One of a Kind Part II”

It starts out, “You’re still one of a kind…”



Ballad Of Poopie Horwitz

Posted by on Nov 16, 2013 in Radleys Poetry | 0 comments

A fictitious account of a long-ago frontiersman who never was:



“The Ballad of Poopie Horwitz”

By Radley




This here is the tale of my great, great, great, great, great, great-grandfather Poopie Horwitz, and the shame that he done brought to the Horwitz clan back in ‘aught 4.


Ol’ Poopie got the ‘lectric chair at Alca-Sing-Sing back in the olden days.

Ol’ Poopie was set to be ‘lectrocuted by the Old Sparky at high noon on the eve of his 58th year.

For his final meal, Poopie requested 10 large cans of baked beans, 5 cans of Corned Beef Hash and a turnip.


Tha Sheriff asked Old Poopie if he had any last words, but old Poopie just sat there in the back of his cell, cackling like crazy and barely taking a breath between shoveling down tin after tin of beans and uncooked Corned Beef Hash.


“Cooking gave you The Cancer”, according to Old Poopy, so he ate ‘em cold.

Say what you might about him and what he done, but Poopie was into health.


They say ‘ol Poopy was silent when they buckled him into his next-to-final resting place.  Survivors later recounted hearing a strange gurgling noise., kind of like a puppy farting from inside a beach ball. They also observed that Poopie did seem to be a bit fidgety.  Then again, his name was Poopie.  So, they didn’t think much of it at the time.

Too bad for them.


They say that when they finally threw the switch, ‘ol Poopie kinda threw a surprised glance towards the camera that looked something like this:  (makes a surprised FACE).

Again, they say he looked ‘kinda surprised’.


Then according to legend and the local paper, there was a ‘semi-ginormous’ explosion.

Some say it was a tornado.

Others say it was a gas line that exploded.

Still others say it was a gas line explosion set off by a tornado.


Only those who were really there know for sure, and they weren’t to be found.

Not in the smoldering crater,

Or in a nearby tree

Not nary a scrap

Of charred honky to be…


I surely have a talent.

HEW Truffle Shuffle

Posted by on Nov 16, 2013 in Radleys Poetry | 0 comments

I was so wowed by the massive Donkey-kick of Inspiration that I did write a poem about this insane new bootcamp that I accidentally stumbled upon…

Having always been the “skinny kid” who sucked in PE and couldn’t do a single chin-up, this military bootcamp-style stuff was pretty nuts…

I still don’t keep score, I just try to keep up!

Eating every three hours made my metabolism go into “hyper-drive”, I was eating everything in sight, but it was all healthy at least.  Their suggestion of drinking a GALLON of water per day was quite a challenge for someone who has to take a piss 6 times after drinking a single beer…

I still say it’s the best thing that I’ve ever done.  I had to have some fun with my crazy new lifestyle:

“The Hard Exercise Truffle Shuffle”

By Radley Horwitz 9/10/11

My guts start to gurgle,

my knees to sway

How many dumps

can I take in a day?

I’ve eaten pounds of fruit

and a chicken to the bone!

And also a mime-

who would not leave me alone!

I drink tons of water,

over a gallon a day

Then I piss myself senseless

in my new healthy way!

I pee ten times a day

and that’s just before lunch…

Then, after a snack,

it’s time for a hunch!

How many books I have read!

A book club would be nice.

Last week in the can,

I read “North and South”—twice!

Come this Holiday season, I fear no gifts I’ll be wrapping,

since it seems my new job is sweating and crapping!

Tom Cruise Passion Fruit

Posted by on Nov 16, 2013 in Radleys Poetry | 0 comments

“Tom Cruise Passion Fruit”

By Radley Horwitz


Tom Cruise Passion Fruit!

Lookin’ pimp in your Rainman suit

Scientology took all yer loot

then that hot Katie chick gave you the boot

Now, off in your Mini Cooper you should scoot


PS: In ‘Collateral’, you were quite the brute